My “(un) expectant” New Life





Over the past couple of months my life has changed! I mean like drastic changes. In May I became a first generation college graduate. In June I found out I was pregnant &; oh I wasn't married yet! In June I also got surprised with the second biggest surprise which was an engagement. All summer I planned my wedding while trying to juggle the MESS that is the fist trimester of pregnancy. In August my husband and I pushed back our wedding and in September we said "I Do". I didn't just say "I Do" to my husband but to a family as I became a step mother that day as well. When I graduated I had no idea where I was headed or the series of events to follow. I had no idea I would experience all that I experienced this summer. I also had no idea I would be so happy and at peace about it all. My life is by no means 'together', perfect or easy but I God has taught me so much in this season and I had to share ...


I remember the Tuesday morning like it was yesterday. The doctor walked in and said, “well you’re definitely pregnant”. Those four words changed my life forever. At that time I was an unwed, unemployed, graduate student and oh yeah … pregnant! I always dreamed of having babies and being a mama but the timing in which it happened was not what I expected. I'm a Christian this isn't what my life is suppose to look like right? In an instant shame, guilt, condemnation and a rush of lies flooded my heart and mind. The biggest lie of all “my life was over”. I felt like my story was done, my purpose was forfeited and as if I had nothing left to give. My now husband tried to comfort me and let me know he wasn't going anywhere but it didn't matter. All I seen was my sin. All I seen was the fact that I was unwed and pregnant and a crippling replay of lies.
                                 

As a Christian you would think well duh you’re gonna keep the baby right? That’s what I always thought too. Sadly I considered abortion and not just considered but planned and not just planned but budgeted. I am so thankful to God that I had the right support, clarity of mind and discernment of the voice of God to come to the decision of choosing life. For me coming to that decision was not easy.

I went back and forth. I had highs and lows. I wrestled, I cried, I got PISSED but a time came where the I’s had to take the backseat. The reality was I was pregnant, a baby was coming, no I am not married but there is a REAL LIFE growing inside of me. This life
was depending on me to make the right choice. The reality had to be accepted: I sinned (gasp), I got pregnant (scandalous) and now I had a choice to make. The choice really wasn't mine to make though, I don’t give life. Conceiving a child is truly a miracle who was I to try to take that away? Especially because the timing was off and I was concerned with what people would think. Despite how hard it may be we can never allow temporary concerns and worries move us to a permanent decision.

In all honesty I was never at war with my precious unborn baby. I was at war with the lies in my mind. The lie that told me abortion was a quick fix to the big fat mess I made. The lie that this baby was punishment for my sin. (The Bible makes it very clear that children are a gift from God. Children are never punishment). Here’s the truth: abortion does not fix anything. Abortion may seem like a quick fix and cover up for a time but like a volcano it will erupt in your life when you least expect it. What erupts? Depression, suicidal thoughts, drug addiction and the list goes on. (Do some scholarly research not Google but scholarly research concerning the after effects of abortion). Abortion is not a fix it actually creates a NEW world of guilt, pain and shame.

Though I wasn't excited; though, I wasn't even sure I made the right choice I had to put my big girl panties on. Abortion left my vocabulary and was no longer an option; I chose to keep my baby. When I had my first sonogram I heard the baby’s heartbeat and I saw the little tadpole like fetus swimming around in my womb. At that moment I knew I made the right choice and with every sonogram to follow it was confirmed. With every precious flutter and kick in my belly I am reminded choosing life was the best decision I could ever make. It’s amazing how you can love someone who hasn't been born …

                           

So you may be wondering is that why you got married? Because you were pregnant? Or is that why you got married so soon? All valid questions and concerns but, no and no. My husband had been planning our engagement for months. From the beginning when he first started pursuing me he made it very clear he was in this for the purpose of marriage. Finding out I was pregnant didn't change his feelings towards marrying me it only made him want to make me his wife even more. We knew we loved each other and wanted to be together so we gave it a big fat “what are we waiting for”. We didn't make this decision hastily or in secret. We received premarital counseling from three pastors and we sought counsel from those close to us. We realized just because a baby was coming that we couldn't rush to the altar. With the blessing of our pastors and peace from God we chose to commit to each other for the rest of our lives.

It wasn't easy. We argued and pressed each other buttons. There were times when we felt like we weren't going to make it. There’s something about getting ready to marry someone that will make all your issues come to the surface and all your fears stand up and wave. We realized that marriage was not going to be easy and we had a choice to make. We could have thrown it all away or die to self, quit being so selfish and work this thing out. Not just once and for all but on a daily basis. That meant me shutting my big fat mouth sometimes and him being more sensitive. It’s not easy or perfect but we both know we made the right decision. The peace we have, God’s amazing provision and waking up every morning next to my husband is a great reminder. A reminder that every single thing we went through while crazy and at times straight up RATCHET (lol) was so worth it. It’s a joy seeing each other and our love take deeper root each day.


Forgiveness was the hardest thing for me. Forgiving myself and accepting that God had truly forgiven me. As I began to tell friends, family and those in authority over me about being pregnant I expected condemnation and harsh criticism. Inside I felt that I had deserved to be judged and shunned. No one condemned me! Not one person said anything to affirm the lies I believed. Now there were sly comments (always will be) but no condemnation (lol). I was embraced, loved, supported and shown more grace than I could handle. I've never felt more supported by the church as in this season of my life. When I say the church I do not mean where I attend on Sunday’s (though they were amazing) I mean the body of Christ as a whole, the people. They loved me unconditionally. This was just a tip of the iceberg of how God chased, ran me down and tackled me with grace.

Although I was embraced by people the lies still lingered. These were the truths that set me free:

My sin does not define me.
I failed but I am not a failure
My baby is not sin. The act of sex outside of marriage was the sin.
God is not surprised by my pregnancy
Getting pregnant out of wedlock is no match for the blood of Jesus.

God still does love me, all along God STILL had and has plans for me. He still calls me HIS princess. I use to think because I followed the rules that I was accepted by God. Now I know I’m loved despite what I do and there’s no valley too low for God’s grace to reach. This truth compels me not to right behavior for the sake of being a “good Christian”. This truth compels me to righteousness. This truth convicts me to holiness.

Now I know that this is true:
Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
- Romans 8:37-39

    
I’m here to tell you even if you don’t start strong you can finish strong. Maybe you’re like me and my husband and you started on FIRE but somewhere down the road you messed up, you can STILL finish strong. I would have loved to say I didn't kiss or have sex with my husband until we were married but it isn't true. I would love to say we set boundaries and were pure the WHOLE way through but we weren't.  Somewhere along the lie we replaced Christ in our relationship with our selfish lust but we can STILL finish strong. You can STILL finish strong. This is not the end!

Many of you reading have gone too far with your boyfriend or  girlfriend. Maybe you’re expecting a baby and aren't married. In the words of a great friend spoken at our wedding “your covenant is different”. What Ishaq and I have is our own. I believe this is true of everyone. Every single marriage is different, there are something’s that are just plain not okay but every marriage and relationship is different. The only step by step guide we need is the Bible not the lives of people. If you get anything from us don’t get a blueprint get a lesson. The lesson is this: No matter what you go through, despite what unexpected series of events may come your story is not over. You can finish strong despite how you begin.

Maybe your story is way different than mine. Perhaps your guy is not sticking around for the baby and marriage is not an option for you. Even if marriage is not an option for you DO NOT allow abortion to be an option for you either. Your start does not determine your finish. You may have to work harder, Ishaq and I did but that’s okay. Despite what it may look like now you can, YOU CAN, YOU CAN FINISH STRONG! I had no idea I’d be this at peace about my life right now. When I first got pregnant all I seen was the problem in front of me. Choose to look beyond your now. Right now you may only see a big, disastrous storm but on the other side of that storm is sunny rainbow. It won’t be perfect, it won’t be easy but it WILL be worth it!!!

                     

For those couples out there, it is never too late to set boundaries. It is never in vain to pursue purity, we did it and I believe you can too. Yes if you’re already expecting it is never too late to put Christ first. Remember, we aren't pure so we can escape disease and pregnancies we pursue purity because it is God’s standard for us in relationships. Choose to turn from your sin and be pure in your relationship.






P.s: oh yeah and that precious baby Ishaq and I are expecting …




She’s due for arrival early next year and I couldn't be more full of joy!!!