Journal Entry 1.7

In this season of my life God has been doing so very MANY amazing things. I am always amazed by how life yields so many different seasons. In this current season God has been doing a lot of restoration and healing in me. When you have a past full of so much abuse and pain like I do you can not just go back to life as usual. There is a process of becoming okay again that must take place. A process in which God cleans and heals the wound, a restoration process ...

Part of my restoration process is God restoring my view of men. After being shafted by so many men in my life my heart began to grow cold against them. I guess you can say this is my season of thawing. A thawing heart is not a mere emotional shift but rather a constant renewing of the mind.

Whenever a mindset begins to shift there is a potential to go to another extreme. As I begin to allow certain guys in and let my guard down I can easily waver to the side of thinking every guy is safe and every guy will protect me. This is a dual process of renewing my mind and guarding my heart. A process in which we could never do alone. A process in which God doesn't want us to go through alone. 

God is so very concerned about every single thing concerning you. From the strands of hairs on your head (each one has a specific number), to your thoughts, to your relationship choices. He loves you so very much. While He loves you where you are He loves you too much to allow you to stay there and He calls us to come up higher. Come up through the pain, come up through the lies, come up through the heartache, come up Princess leaning on Jesus.

Who is this coming up from the wilderness learning on the one she loves?
- Song of Solomon 8:5

We've got to quit the blame game. Although what happened to you wasn't your fault, placing blame on others doesn't help you. The blame game keeps us stagnant, revengeful and bitter. It's time to come up higher Princess. I dare you to take a hard look at yourself and consider your part to play in your current state. What steps need to be taken for growth, development and freedom?

Recently I found myself in two situations where men were around and I found myself unprotected. While these situations were not extremely serious, nor were they life or death I was extremely uncomfortable and felt the men who were around should have been there to cover me. For someone in as such a fragile state as I'm in it could be easy for me to revert, harden my hard and grow cold. In that very moment where I found myself saying, "I'm over it, I'll just take care of myself", God spoke the sweetest words to me in the form of a letter (one of the reasons I carry my journal EVERYWHERE):

Men will fail you, they will disappoint and they will not always be there. This does not make them bad or unreliable but merely human. I, the LORD your God am the only one that has, always and will be there for you. I am surrounding you w/ unfailing love. I am surrounding you w/ protection. I am MORE than able & the very definition of sufficient for you.
Your Abba who LOVES to protects you!

Put no more trust in human,
who has only the breathe in their nostrils,
What are they really worth?
- Isaiah 2:22

See beloved, when you get hurt or abused a large part of security is lost. There is this "who is going to protect me" insecurity that rises up. As you heal, as you develop as you grow put no trust in people!This does not mean you expect the worst from people or you flat out don't trust anyone but you don't put your trust IN them. That trust that belongs to almighty God. Don't even put trust in yourself to protect you. When you try to protect yourself that is called self-preservation and that is bred out of fear.Put away fear. You only have the breathe in your nostrils. Put your full trust in  Jesus. He will always protect you. He will always take care of you.

My prayer is that as you go through your process of healing and restoration that you fall deeper in love with Jesus. Despite the pain you have endured or the abuse that has been done to you that you would leave those things that are behind and press aggressively towards the future. The hope filled future that God has for you. I pray that you would desire to renew your mind and desire to guard your heart and even when you don't you'll choose to do it anyway. In Jesus Precious Name,

[ Me in Fort Greene, Brooklyn (NYC) at a fair ]